What do you crave?

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been coming into the realization that even though I’ve come very far in my faith, I still have so far to go. I really struggle with getting overwhelmed and when the frustration builds up, I blow up. I don’t want to blow up, I don’t want to be ugly to my family and close friends, or anyone. I want the love and light of JESUS to be the only thing that people see when they see me.
I’ve always adhered to the philosophy that as long as you are doing what you KNOW you are truly supposed to be doing, that GOD will take care of all the rest of the details…including other people. We can’t control what others do; only what we do and think and say. Only HE knows what HE has in store for us, so we don’t need to cloud our minds with the details of why…because HE says so, that’s why…haha… So for the last few weeks HE has been drawing my attention to the fact that I need to let go of all the frustrations…all the distractions, both good and bad…and let HIM be the ONE to consume my thoughts…my heart…my actions…my service. I’ve always “known” this; I just haven’t fully embraced it or truly comprehended it.
A week ago, I was having a conversation about loving JESUS more than anything and letting HIM pour HIS love into us to the point of overflowing and HE would enable us to love others with HIS love. I’ve said this very thing so many times and I’ve understood it, I even have been able to maintain…but I still struggled with frustration.
This weekend I went on a youth retreat with my daughter. The theme was CRAVE. My whole intent for this weekend was just to be an extra set of hands. I already knew I wouldn’t be a leader for any of the small groups, since I don’t actually work with the youth group, or even attend their church. I helped out with the drama, I played an abortionist…which anyone who knows me would agree when I say…that is so not me…it’s the opposite in fact. I also helped with snacks and a lot of back stage stuff. I really felt like I was an extension of the LORD, being used in so many different avenues. It was also an opportunity to be removed from my everyday life so that I could clearly understand what GOD has been teaching me.
The pastor talked about how we “crave” the things in this world, love and acceptance, approval of men, material things, success, respect…the list went on and on. He said that either we need to master our cravings or they will master us…which I’ve heard lots of times…but didn’t recognize the things that I was “craving”. What was it that I was “craving” all this time if not JESUS? I always thought that I was…but all along I’ve still been longing for that man to love me, and being frustrated when he wouldn’t because I was too needy; respect and blind obedience from my children, and being frustrated when they would exercise their free will; acceptance and approval from men whenever I served, and being frustrated when no recognition came and more was expected of me…wow…that sucks!
But JESUS is always so gentle in his lessons and he has helped me realize my wrongs and already forgiven me. Now what? I live to know HIM more. I live to serve HIM more. I long to have that intimate time with HIM. I love HIM with a passion. HE is the only ONE who will fulfill all my hopes and dreams, because HE is my hopes and dreams. It is my passion to help others come to understand this… my heart breaks for anyone who doesn’t. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that now consume my mind…but in a good way.

Time Flies...Whether You're Having Fun or Not

It's really hard to believe that it's been like 2 or 3 months again. But here we are nearing the end of January and I'm just getting back to this...again. I'm no closer to having my basement finished and since last time, I got brave and took up the kitchen floor (5 layers of flooring...including a layer I later found to be asbestos tiles...yes!). About 3/4 of the way through the kitchen the hardwood stops (at no real sensical place) and there is just 2x4 boards laid in it's place.
The hardwood seems to be cut off and a 2 in. hole cut into the hardwood about an inch away from the "sub-floor". Where the hardwood is cut I can see some char marks, so my conclusion is that there must've been some sort of kitchen fire, considering that this house was built in 1920 and is completely drywalled. My assumption...this fire was mostly contained in the kitchen, but maybe due to the water and smoke damage, they tore all the plaster out and drywalled the whole house, cut off the charred floor, laying 2x4s in it's place then covering the entire kitchen floor in asbestos tiles...oh wait nope...the whole house in asbestos tiles (excluding the living room & bathroom), put new kitchen cupboards on top of the asbestos tiles...then later someone else will cover that with a layer of linoleum...and then again someone else will add a layer of plywood and stick tiles, replace the cupboards...again setting them ontop of the floor (there is about an inch and a half of flooring under the cupboards exposed). So now I wait for tile to cover the 2x4s and hole...hoping that the floor will be flush with the layers under the cupboards. And that's just the house...hahaha...I've decided to just be thankful that I have a home...mold and all...there are so many out there that don't even have that. I also painted the kitchen and bathroom...no new floor in there yet, although it's only a matter of time til the tub falls through...landing in my laundry room. I know it may not seem true...but I really am grateful to have a home...it's just another adventure.
My new adventure...? Women's Ministry! I am very excited about this one...and very hopeful. I am working with the greatest group of women I've ever known. I have prayed about this for years and have worked on the ministry team for the last 3 or 4 years...I've lost count.
Oh I tried the tamale thing...as delicious as they are...the time they take to make far out weighs the money made by selling them. I still haven't tried basket weaving or rug braiding yet...maybe when my children graduate...I only have 12 & 1/2 years til then...maybe I'll have more time then. Haha...can more time be invented...? Wouldn't that be nice...I would probably use it to sleep.

Ah...It's Been So Long

It's been a busy couple of months...well really...life is just busy, no matter how you look at it. But in the last couple of months, since I've written...well let's just say that busy doesn't always mean extremely significant. Although, things are going really well with the hubby :) I think a little less stress is the ticket there and we seem to be communicating well and relating well...we have our moments, don't get me wrong, marriage is no bowl of pitless cherries...but for the most part, we're doing great. I am happy :)
Being a mom has always been one of the greatest joys of my life, with a few whinces of immense pain here and there, but I wouldn't trade one whince. And whoever said that "parenting a teen is like trying to hold onto jell-o" was so right! The harder you try the harder it gets. I'm trying so hard to just trust in the LORD, so that I don't squeeze too hard. There's nothing I'd like more than to go back in time and just have her jump up on my lap and hug me so tight like she used to...maybe tell me how pretty I am (she used to do that too)...sing together, play together, read together, do anything together...but alas...she is a teen for sure. I'm half tempted to ground her sometimes just to keep her off the phone, computer, ipod-less and home...although she does give me reasons sometimes to do that anyway...I refrain from doing it out of vain and selfish ambition. But she throws me a bone once in a while and will just hug on me out of nowhere (not out of want or selfish ambition either) and just want to hang out and talk.
Now Sammy on the other hand, is approaching my absolute favorite age...4 :) So lovey dovey and eager to be helpful. He loves to be read to, always wants me to play choo choo trains with him, sits on my lap and snuggles intermittenly throughout the day (especially first thing upon waking...can't always say that's morning). He loves to go on "dates" and so do I...his favorite is IHOP and a movie (yesterday was Tangled - super cute flick...and he climbed into my lap halfway through to snuggle mama). He has his sassy moments still, but overall super sweet, just like sissy was at that age. I love it!
Now...the house that has been a thorn in my side, since the day we moved in...that's a tale to be told. I am falling in love with it. We took up the carpet and discovered wood floors...downsized the furniture and opened up more floor space and it's not so crowded...it's kinda cozy. Although it is small (560 sqft), it forces us to not avoid eachother and work things out quickly...now if I could just finish the basement for an actual bedroom...now that would be lovely. Any drywallers out there? :) Just kidding...sort of.
I am blessed and very happy...though I still struggle through depression, I'm trying to write more songs as an outlet...or find other methods of creative expression (tearing up floors, painting walls, re-organizing cupboards...etc.) and artistic endeavors (painting, drawing, writing, singing, beading, sewing, quilting, crocheting...my next venture...basket weaving, rug braiding and tamale making). That's of course after and in between spending time in the WORD, praying, schooling the kids, and laundry...no wonder I haven't blogged in a while ;)

Power of Prayer...? Or Power of GOD!

So often you here the saying "there's power in prayer"...but really the power is in GOD, not our prayers. Prayer is powerful, not because of what we say or feel while doing it, it's powerful because the One answering (be it yes or no) is powerful. Prayer is simply a tool, a means of communicating with the Creator of heaven and earth.
How often do we go by what we "feel" as humans...but GOD is more than a "feeling"...even love is more than just a "feeling". What we feel is irrelevant really... In order to really understand this I look to Scripture...as the LORD prayed in the garden, HE did not feel like dying on that cross, HE asked that it not have to happen at first...but then HE sought out the will of the Father instead. How often we ask for things out of our own selfish, fleshly desire and ambition...instead of seeking GOD's will for our lives. I want what I want...but ultimately I want the will of the ONE who created me, who knows me...better than I know myself, the ONE who's plans for me are to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future...I will seek HIM with all my heart and I will know HIM more and gain a better perspective of what HIS will is for my life. I pray that my words will be HIS words, my thoughts will be HIS thoughts, my actions be HIS acts...all in worship...all in love...all in total devotion to HIM, the Holiest of Holies. Praise and Glory be to the KING of Kings!

Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

WOW! the book of James is AWESOME! It is amazing how small, yet how powerful things can be. Like the rudder of a massive ship is what guides & directs it...so too does the tongue guide & direct your next thoughts & how you treat people & how people can or can't respect you.
James 3:9 - With the tongue we praise our LORD and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in GOD"s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.
I have in the past had somewhat of a foul mouth...behind closed doors. I started to realize that at church it was all "Praise the LORD!" "GOD is good" "Holy is HE!" and at home...well let's just say...NOT SO PRETTY or glorifying to the LORD. James compares this behavior with being like a spring that produce both fresh water and salt water...which is impossible...without GOD...and I know GOD isn't behind my tongue or my double sidedness.
James also compares our tongues to a fire set to a great forest...
"The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."
WOW! that's convicting!
I recently started wearing a rubberband to snap myself for cussing, but now that it's not so much an issue, I've decided to snap myself for saying anything negative against others...be it a stranger or my hubby, or really anyone...next will be to control my thoughts too...any negative thoughts, about myself or anyone else...SNAP!
"For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him." - Words of the LORD! I am going to start storing only good...purging the old evil within...
It never ceases to amaze me...how much wisdom can come from just one little paragraph in GOD's Word.

Backin up your faith

I love the Bible! I love the wisdom and guidance it provides. It's funny how some find it contradictory, when really it is so complimentary to itself. Where in some places it speaks of the importance of a faith by CHRIST's actions alone...other's speak about faith by our works... But if you really look at what is being said you'll see that two different people were being addressed with two totally different issues. Where on one side the people were trying to achieve salvation only by ritualistic behavior; on the other side they were talking the talk, but not living the life...they said all the spiritually "right" things, but no follow through on those things... In both situations the thing that was lacking was the right heart...it was all mind...all self, not motivated by CHRIST, the love that HE poured out, only the human perception of what was "right". They were really missing the point, the beauty of what it truly means to be a believer. We are redeemed from the absolute worst...worse than any human mind can comprehend & given the absolue BEST, most precious gift...better than any human mind can comprehend. For that I am eternally grateful, humbled, amazed, and though we are completely unworthy, we are so worth it to HIM to subject Himself to the abuse, torment and torturous, shameful death of a criminal. How can we not want to live our lives soully for HIM, to project that love that we do not deserve onto others who don't deserve it either. I recognize that I am filthy and wretched, but I am washed clean and dearly loved by the Creator and KING of all things created. HALLELUJAH! PRAISE the LORD JESUS!

Spinach in Your Teeth

I need to blog more often...I miss it when I'm not doing it, it's my way of reflecting on what the LORD is doing in my life and heart...
I've been reading in James these last couple of weeks and though I've read it before...I'm really studying it and paying attention to it this time... Today I read about being a hearer and a doer of the WORD...he compares a person who hears the WORD and doesn't apply it to their lives as one who looks in the mirror and walks away, forgetting what they look like...it's more like if you look in the mirror and see that you have spinach in your teeth...leave it/ignore it and walk away, spending the rest of the day smiling at people, talking to people...with spinach still in your teeth...well really it's more like you have dog doo all over your face and you try to ignore that! The WORD is the "mirror"...only the reflection we should be looking at should look like CHRIST and when we see ourselves...our flaws, iniquities, sins, shortcomings, struggles...we turn away and ignore what we saw. Why would we want to do that?! I personally want the doo OFF!
My pastor taught about the dangers of falling into "religiosity"...something I'd been very guilty of doing for the majority of my life. But that way of living is exhausting...it's so much better to live my life for CHRIST just because I love HIM and I'm grateful for His grace...rather than trying to "earn" His love and forgiveness. This concept is so overwhelming! to the point that I cannot stop crying. My heart breaks that people can't or won't accept this or don't understand the concept, because it is sooooo beautiful and I am so grateful! How wonderful is our GOD! "Faith in His grace is about trusting...not doing...it is unearned and undeserved." No matter how filthy, vile & disgusting I am...what I've done, said, thought, felt...etc, HE still receives, forgives, accepts and loves me...HE washes me clean. That does not however mean that I can or will live however I want just because I know that HE will forgive me, I will live for HIM...because how I live matters! It matters to me...to my family...to my church...to my community...to my GOD! I will be getting rid of the "spinach" in my teeth...no more doo on this girl!