For the last couple of weeks I’ve been coming into the realization that even though I’ve come very far in my faith, I still have so far to go. I really struggle with getting overwhelmed and when the frustration builds up, I blow up. I don’t want to blow up, I don’t want to be ugly to my family and close friends, or anyone. I want the love and light of JESUS to be the only thing that people see when they see me.
I’ve always adhered to the philosophy that as long as you are doing what you KNOW you are truly supposed to be doing, that GOD will take care of all the rest of the details…including other people. We can’t control what others do; only what we do and think and say. Only HE knows what HE has in store for us, so we don’t need to cloud our minds with the details of why…because HE says so, that’s why…haha… So for the last few weeks HE has been drawing my attention to the fact that I need to let go of all the frustrations…all the distractions, both good and bad…and let HIM be the ONE to consume my thoughts…my heart…my actions…my service. I’ve always “known” this; I just haven’t fully embraced it or truly comprehended it.
A week ago, I was having a conversation about loving JESUS more than anything and letting HIM pour HIS love into us to the point of overflowing and HE would enable us to love others with HIS love. I’ve said this very thing so many times and I’ve understood it, I even have been able to maintain…but I still struggled with frustration.
This weekend I went on a youth retreat with my daughter. The theme was CRAVE. My whole intent for this weekend was just to be an extra set of hands. I already knew I wouldn’t be a leader for any of the small groups, since I don’t actually work with the youth group, or even attend their church. I helped out with the drama, I played an abortionist…which anyone who knows me would agree when I say…that is so not me…it’s the opposite in fact. I also helped with snacks and a lot of back stage stuff. I really felt like I was an extension of the LORD, being used in so many different avenues. It was also an opportunity to be removed from my everyday life so that I could clearly understand what GOD has been teaching me.
The pastor talked about how we “crave” the things in this world, love and acceptance, approval of men, material things, success, respect…the list went on and on. He said that either we need to master our cravings or they will master us…which I’ve heard lots of times…but didn’t recognize the things that I was “craving”. What was it that I was “craving” all this time if not JESUS? I always thought that I was…but all along I’ve still been longing for that man to love me, and being frustrated when he wouldn’t because I was too needy; respect and blind obedience from my children, and being frustrated when they would exercise their free will; acceptance and approval from men whenever I served, and being frustrated when no recognition came and more was expected of me…wow…that sucks!
But JESUS is always so gentle in his lessons and he has helped me realize my wrongs and already forgiven me. Now what? I live to know HIM more. I live to serve HIM more. I long to have that intimate time with HIM. I love HIM with a passion. HE is the only ONE who will fulfill all my hopes and dreams, because HE is my hopes and dreams. It is my passion to help others come to understand this… my heart breaks for anyone who doesn’t. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that now consume my mind…but in a good way.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
It's really hard to believe that it's been like 2 or 3 months again. But here we are nearing the end of January and I'm just getting back to this...again. I'm no closer to having my basement finished and since last time, I got brave and took up the kitchen floor (5 layers of flooring...including a layer I later found to be asbestos tiles...yes!). About 3/4 of the way through the kitchen the hardwood stops (at no real sensical place) and there is just 2x4 boards laid in it's place.
The hardwood seems to be cut off and a 2 in. hole cut into the hardwood about an inch away from the "sub-floor". Where the hardwood is cut I can see some char marks, so my conclusion is that there must've been some sort of kitchen fire, considering that this house was built in 1920 and is completely drywalled. My assumption...this fire was mostly contained in the kitchen, but maybe due to the water and smoke damage, they tore all the plaster out and drywalled the whole house, cut off the charred floor, laying 2x4s in it's place then covering the entire kitchen floor in asbestos tiles...oh wait nope...the whole house in asbestos tiles (excluding the living room & bathroom), put new kitchen cupboards on top of the asbestos tiles...then later someone else will cover that with a layer of linoleum...and then again someone else will add a layer of plywood and stick tiles, replace the cupboards...again setting them ontop of the floor (there is about an inch and a half of flooring under the cupboards exposed). So now I wait for tile to cover the 2x4s and hole...hoping that the floor will be flush with the layers under the cupboards. And that's just the house...hahaha...I've decided to just be thankful that I have a home...mold and all...there are so many out there that don't even have that. I also painted the kitchen and bathroom...no new floor in there yet, although it's only a matter of time til the tub falls through...landing in my laundry room. I know it may not seem true...but I really am grateful to have a home...it's just another adventure.
My new adventure...? Women's Ministry! I am very excited about this one...and very hopeful. I am working with the greatest group of women I've ever known. I have prayed about this for years and have worked on the ministry team for the last 3 or 4 years...I've lost count.
Oh I tried the tamale thing...as delicious as they are...the time they take to make far out weighs the money made by selling them. I still haven't tried basket weaving or rug braiding yet...maybe when my children graduate...I only have 12 & 1/2 years til then...maybe I'll have more time then. Haha...can more time be invented...? Wouldn't that be nice...I would probably use it to sleep.