Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Kids say the darndest things...

The innocence of a beginner's speech is so precious. I called my mom to wish her a Happy Valentine's Day and Anniversary...when my precious little 3 year old came to me and asked to talk to "Gram". He promptly said "Happy Valenday Times Gram!" with a huge smile and melted both our hearts. I love the specific way he says words that he hears others say...we had a Valentine Party at church and he probably heard me and many others say it, so he took a stab at it and came up with "Valenday Times".
Just makes you appreciate the precious sweetness of their innocence. GOD has truly blessed me with the most awesome precious little ones to care for...I am humbled and amazed!
In the morning we always snuggle and I ask him if he slept well and had good dreams. I asked him this morning what he dreamed of..."Jesus" was his heart melted.
Last night as I dressed for Brendan and I to go out, I put on a skirt...he (Sammy) walked in and asked...

Sammy: "You puttin on that dress mama?"
Me: "Yep"
Sammy: "You gettin pretty? Daddy will kiss you?"
Me: "Oh...if I 'get pretty' Daddy will kiss me?"
Sammy: "Uh huh"
Me: "Be sure to give Daddy that tip...K?"
Sammy: "Ok"

Sammy has a friend at church that he is just in love with...a 6 year old little girl named Bella. Later at dinner I asked him...
Me: "When Bella gets pretty, do you want to kiss her?"
Sammy:(with sheepish grin) "Uh huh"
Me: "Don't you be kissing any girls except Mama and Sissy until you're married young man"
I could barely mutter the words through my laughter...oh boy do I have my hands full with this little Casanova. At least she's the only one he has eyes for...wouldn't that be something if they got married in 20 years?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Un-crippling the Fear

I love how GOD's timing works...and when HE chooses to address our struggles and issues in HIS infinitely wise time. Last night's video for the Beth Moore study on Esther was dedicated to fear...well overcoming fear, by trusting completely, not conditionally, in the LORD. So often we tell ourselves, "If this happens..., then ....", when really we need to say, "If anything happens..., then GOD ...(will take care of me, will sustain me, will protect me, etc.)" She gave several blanks to be filled in and mine looked like this..."If no one likes me and turns their backs on me leaving me all alone on earth, then GOD's going to demonstrate HIS sufficiency in me"; "If everyone abandons me, then GOD is still with me...HE will never leave me or forsake me"; "If the burden is too much to cary, then GOD will hoist it onto HIS majestic shoulders & bare it for me"; "If I fail, then GOD has a plan"; "If I am widowed, then GOD will take care of me"; and "If I perish, then GOD has me in HIS hands & I am still HIS."
Though Esther was terrified for her life to go before the king (legitimate fear of the law), she fasted and prayed and then got dressed not as a beggar to plead for her life and the lives of her people, not as a wife to seduce her hubby or manipulate him with her physical appearance (which probably would've worked, she was gorgeous), but as Queen in her royal robes. She dug deep and mustered not only courage, but she put that courage on the foundation of her position as Queen and Princess to the Ultimate KING...she had dignity, strength, courage, and she was regal. Though trembling underneath all that garb, she stood firm as the "Queen of the vast Persian Empire." She did not let her fears paralyze her any longer...she stood up and walked into that throne room with her head held high and conquered that fear with action.
What a heroine...! Talk about your Wonder Woman! I used to dress up in my UnderRoos and put foil around my wrists and dance around in circles when I was a little that outfit, I was strong, I was bold,I was confident...I could deflect bullets with my foil wrist bands. Maybe I should start wearing some foil wrist bands under my clothes and I would remember that confidence and courage...only maybe I'll arm my wrists with the armour of GOD and deflect those nasty little arrows of negative thoughts from penetrating my mind, body, heart and soul. Maybe I could write scripture verses on some foil and wrap that around my whole body...
Oh well for now, I'll stick with prayer and reading the scripture & posting it on notecards on my walls.

Monday, February 15, 2010

"Wifey Pooh"

All my life I looked forward to being a wife...starting when I was 3 years old dressing up in Mommy's dress up clothes and high heels, with baby doll in tow, I walked out the door to "find me my man!" As I grew into a young woman, I peeked around every corner, hopeful to find the man of my dreams...what I thought I'd do with him when I was 12, I do not know. I encourage my daughter now to not waste time looking for someone you can't start your life with for another 10 years, just enjoy your youth, your friends and your education...and of course your family.
Being a single mom for 8 years proved to be lonely and difficult, but my role as Mommy kept me quite busy. Although, still peeking around the corners and glancing at every doorway, I avoided dating through those years...or rather dating avoided me. There were some brothers that turned my head, but my friendship with each of them prevented me from pursuing anything further...not to mention the busy life of serving the church, friends, family and my baby girl.
Until one day...Duh da da dah!...when I least expected it, I started a Bible study/small group at a trusted friend's house, and after what I thought was the worst day of my life, (I'd been battling an upper respiratory infection for months and had just lost my job earlier that day...I looked lovely with my swollen, red, puffy eyes, runny nose and hacking cough) there he was! Brendan...? I'd seen him at church for the past 3 years, (had not been in the least bit all!) we avoided eachother...him not interested in EVER having children and me...well, he loves comic books and super heros...and I was a hippy. But after study, we sat and talked for 2 hours...he actually daughter (8 at the time), just jumped up into his lap and started playing with his hair, and...lalalalala...lalalalala.
..lalalalala...I saw him in a whole different light...sigh... Brendan looked pretty good with my baby girl on his lap (there's nothing more attractive to a woman than a man being sweet with her kid).
Well anyway, something must've happened for him too, because we're married now...sorry for the fast forward...but the rest of our courtship is for another day's blog, maybe tomorrow.
Since we've been married I've read several books on marriage, being a godly wife, a better homemaker, mother, leader, encourager, uplifter/ name it I've read it or it's on my shelf waiting to be read. No matter how many books I read or how hard I pray, I will never play my part perfectly...that really does not sit well with a Melancholy (see blog post: Who am I really?).
I just don't understand how something that I longed for, for so long, could be such a struggle to do well, I mean I prayed for GOD to give me a man whose socks and underwear I could pick up after...and now I grumble as I bend over to scoop up those sweaty stinky socks...fortunately GOD spared me the underwear bit. What is wrong with me that I should scorn the one thing that I yearned for, even as a child? Am I really so discontented with life in general that I cannot find happiness or contentment in the answered prayers of my youth? Am I really bi-polar (my daughter's dad used to tell me that all the time...still does)? Or am I like many other women, who just want to be valued and cherished...after all I am a princess...right? I've even made notes on 3x5 cards to pray, not grumble...(don't grumble at the broken faucet...pray for a new one, etc.)
But for now I will read another chapter in Finding the Hero in Your Husband and pray that GOD change me...not him...and work harder at finding the joy in the mundane duties of my role as "wifey pooh". After all it is what I asked for, for 33 silly am I?

BTW...My hubby IS awesome! I do love him, I don't want anything in this to come across the wrong way...I'm the one with the problem...I guess I'm just fickle and wishy washy...and that is what I'm working on...I love him dearly and appreciate all that he does and provides. He IS my Hero.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Who Knows?

Esther 4:14b-"And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
Joel 2:14 - "Who knows? HE may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing..."
I've been studying the book of Esther and it is so facsinating...the book does not have the name of GOD in it anywhere, but HIS hand is at work throughout. Esther was a Jewish orphan, and still she was taken to the palace, she won the favor of everyone she met there and was chosen above probably hundreds of other girls. When the edict had been made of the annihilation of the Jews, she heard nothing of it until her maid-servants and eunuchs came to tell her that Mordecai, her male cousin who raised her after her parents died, was in sackcloth and ashes, wailing at the kings gate. The Jewish people of that region had become very comfortable with their environment and the culture of the Persian people. They had forgotten most of their traditions and customs, thus forgetting the LORD's requirements and commands, maybe even HIS promises. They remembered and returned to the LORD when the edict had been made...they fasted, wailed and tore their clothes putting on the sack cloth and ashes of the custom. When Mordecai sent news to Esther and asked her to go to the king, she understandably was fearful for her life...anyone who went before the king without being summoned was put to death...Mordecai had faith and knew that the LORD would deliver them from this edict one way or another, whether by way of Esther's position or by way of someone else. "Who knows?" GOD knew. Esther sent Mordecai to gather all the Jews to fast and pray for her. She mustered up the courage to go before the king and...well the rest I'll learn in the upcoming weeks, although I've read this book a few times and already done other studies on it, I always appreciate a fresh new perspective on it...especially Beth Moore's perspective.
What position have you been put in and for what reason? I am convicted by this question myself...what to do with this and hide something about it?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Crippling Fear

There comes a time in everyone's life that they have to push past the fear that cripples them from making a difference in their own lives and the lives of others. How do you do it though? There is a common saying in the community of leaders that we chose to associate with..."Action conquers fear." So I guess Nike was on to something when they said "Just Do It". It just depends on the "it" you're talking about I guess. Obviously you don't want to "Just do it" if you're talking about something illegal, immoral or unethical, but if the thing you are avoiding could benefit the lives of many, including your own family then why not "just do it"? What really does hold us back? The fear of rejection? The fear of the unknown? The fear of succeeding at something that doesn't matter? There is a great quote I use in many areas of life...
"Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that does not really matter." - D.L. Moody
How profound is that?
I think about that fear that holds me back, the fear of the unknown...Esther had that same fear. Would her husband allow the guards to take her head if she went to him before being called on? Or would he have mercy on her and extend that gold scepter? She didn't know what would happen, but she knew what would happen if she didn't...imminent death for her and her people. So she mustered up the courage...well she fasted and prayed and leaned on the LORD's strength (appropriately so, I might add)...and went to the king. To her relief she found her husband to be merciful and was able to request another audience with him the next day in a more intimate, less life-threatening atmosphere, where she could serve him and "butter him up".
Leaning on the LORD for HIS divine strength...what a novel idea...why don't I think to do that more often? It seems the most logical and sensible thing to do, yet I still find myself, crippled with fear, wondering why I can't get anything accomplished in my life that I know I need to. Then I am reminded...I love those reminders...lean on HIS perfect strength...rely on HIS mercy to extend the golden scepter.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Monday, February 1, 2010

Search for Significance

I read this book (The Search for Significance) a little over a year ago and it's funny how things escape you if you don't continuously apply them. But in the book I'm reading now (Finding the Hero in Your Husband) she quotes this book...reminding me that "I have great value based solely on my status as GOD's creation & HIS love for me." Amazing, I read it a year ago and I already forgot that simple concept, which was the whole premise of the book.
Why is this such a constant struggle for me and I'm sure countless others? I mean, we have a natural tendency to worship...we worship HIM at church and during devotions; HE shows HIMSELF daily and generously...yet still I forget that very basic truth. It's so frustrating! If I remind myself to think deeply on it then I'm fine...for that moment, but then something distracts me (a typical sanguine trait) and I'm back in the struggle to remember it. And depending on how long I allow myself to be distracted it gets harder and harder to remember, I could go days, weeks and even months without remembering...and then something brings me back to that truth once more and I am healed...again. I hate the fact that I just can't seem to get it through this thick skull once and for all.
But for now I'm grateful for the new day and I am grateful for the reminder...I wrote it on my wall. Maybe it'll stick now...well for now anyway.

Who am I really?

If I've ever been consistent with anything it is in my inconsistency...
I took a personality test...3 times, and each time turned up with a different result. Twice I was predominantly Sanguine (inspiring, inconsistent...duh, impulsive, influential, influenced, illogical), with strong 2nd and 3rd traits in Phlegmatic (sensitive, slow, sweet, stable & shy), then Melancholy (calculated, scheduled, consistent...huh?, controlled, cautious, careful).
The 2nd time the Plegmatic and Melancholy were switched, but both times they were very close.
But the 3rd time the predominant trait was Melancholy and the other 2 were Sanguine and Phlegmatic...which were pretty close still...but whoa! what an eye opener. For my personality to be so conflicted all the wonder I'm exhausted all the time...and sometimes extremely depressed...I don't know who the heck I am or who I will be from one day to the next. None of the results ended with a high score in the 4th type (Choleric- domineering, dominant, decisive, driven...I'd probably drive myself truly crazy), so I guess that's good
I'd probably say the 3rd result is probably the most accurate...I mean come on, I took the test 3 times, just to be sure...sounds pretty cautious & calculated to me, plus that would explain the consistency in my inconsistency, huh? It's a wonder how I've made it this far in life without ending up in a padded room. I keep telling my family that they're driving me crazy, but the reality is they really don't have far to drive.
I'm glad to know what I'm up against...I took the test a couple of years ago from a book, but I lost my results and there wasn't a little graph like on the website, so I couldn't ever remember what the final result's really as I suspected all along...
I like to have fun, but it has to be organized or it's no fun at all. I need my quiet time, in a quiet environment (I'm really sensitive to loud noise, but not loud music...if I'm in the right frame of mind for the loud music, otherwise it's just noise). I can be spontaneous when I feel like it, I do like to surprise my loved ones, but don't really like to be surprised, unless it's something simple like a little unexpected affection or gift (flowers, token of appreciation, etc...not a big gift, then I just feel guilty). I like to serve other's needs, but feel bad or uncomfortable having other people serve me, unless I just really need it, then I just really need it and hope someone just recognizes it, I'd never tell anyone I need it...and if I don't get it, I get depressed and feel like no one really loves me...ridiculous I know, but I'm illogical remember. I love to love people and when other's are hurting, I hurt too..."Please don't cry or I will too. I have a strict policy, no one cries alone in my presence." If you know this quote, then you understand why this is one of my all time favorite movies...I identify with all these women's personalities.
And now you know me as well as I know myself...are you as confused as I am?