For the last couple of weeks I’ve been coming into the realization that even though I’ve come very far in my faith, I still have so far to go. I really struggle with getting overwhelmed and when the frustration builds up, I blow up. I don’t want to blow up, I don’t want to be ugly to my family and close friends, or anyone. I want the love and light of JESUS to be the only thing that people see when they see me.
I’ve always adhered to the philosophy that as long as you are doing what you KNOW you are truly supposed to be doing, that GOD will take care of all the rest of the details…including other people. We can’t control what others do; only what we do and think and say. Only HE knows what HE has in store for us, so we don’t need to cloud our minds with the details of why…because HE says so, that’s why…haha… So for the last few weeks HE has been drawing my attention to the fact that I need to let go of all the frustrations…all the distractions, both good and bad…and let HIM be the ONE to consume my thoughts…my heart…my actions…my service. I’ve always “known” this; I just haven’t fully embraced it or truly comprehended it.
A week ago, I was having a conversation about loving JESUS more than anything and letting HIM pour HIS love into us to the point of overflowing and HE would enable us to love others with HIS love. I’ve said this very thing so many times and I’ve understood it, I even have been able to maintain…but I still struggled with frustration.
This weekend I went on a youth retreat with my daughter. The theme was CRAVE. My whole intent for this weekend was just to be an extra set of hands. I already knew I wouldn’t be a leader for any of the small groups, since I don’t actually work with the youth group, or even attend their church. I helped out with the drama, I played an abortionist…which anyone who knows me would agree when I say…that is so not me…it’s the opposite in fact. I also helped with snacks and a lot of back stage stuff. I really felt like I was an extension of the LORD, being used in so many different avenues. It was also an opportunity to be removed from my everyday life so that I could clearly understand what GOD has been teaching me.
The pastor talked about how we “crave” the things in this world, love and acceptance, approval of men, material things, success, respect…the list went on and on. He said that either we need to master our cravings or they will master us…which I’ve heard lots of times…but didn’t recognize the things that I was “craving”. What was it that I was “craving” all this time if not JESUS? I always thought that I was…but all along I’ve still been longing for that man to love me, and being frustrated when he wouldn’t because I was too needy; respect and blind obedience from my children, and being frustrated when they would exercise their free will; acceptance and approval from men whenever I served, and being frustrated when no recognition came and more was expected of me…wow…that sucks!
But JESUS is always so gentle in his lessons and he has helped me realize my wrongs and already forgiven me. Now what? I live to know HIM more. I live to serve HIM more. I long to have that intimate time with HIM. I love HIM with a passion. HE is the only ONE who will fulfill all my hopes and dreams, because HE is my hopes and dreams. It is my passion to help others come to understand this… my heart breaks for anyone who doesn’t. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that now consume my mind…but in a good way.