All my life I looked forward to being a wife...starting when I was 3 years old dressing up in Mommy's dress up clothes and high heels, with baby doll in tow, I walked out the door to "find me my man!" As I grew into a young woman, I peeked around every corner, hopeful to find the man of my dreams...what I thought I'd do with him when I was 12, I do not know. I encourage my daughter now to not waste time looking for someone you can't start your life with for another 10 years, just enjoy your youth, your friends and your education...and of course your family.
Being a single mom for 8 years proved to be lonely and difficult, but my role as Mommy kept me quite busy. Although, still peeking around the corners and glancing at every doorway, I avoided dating through those years...or rather dating avoided me. There were some brothers that turned my head, but my friendship with each of them prevented me from pursuing anything further...not to mention the busy life of serving the church, friends, family and my baby girl.
Until one day...Duh da da dah!...when I least expected it, I started a Bible study/small group at a trusted friend's house, and after what I thought was the worst day of my life, (I'd been battling an upper respiratory infection for months and had just lost my job earlier that day...I looked lovely with my swollen, red, puffy eyes, runny nose and hacking cough) there he was! Brendan...? I'd seen him at church for the past 3 years, (had not been in the least bit interested...at all!) we avoided eachother...him not interested in EVER having children and me...well, he loves comic books and super heros...and I was a hippy. But after study, we sat and talked for 2 hours...he actually listened...my daughter (8 at the time), just jumped up into his lap and started playing with his hair, and...lalalalala...lalalalala.
..lalalalala...I saw him in a whole different light...sigh... Brendan looked pretty good with my baby girl on his lap (there's nothing more attractive to a woman than a man being sweet with her kid).
Well anyway, something must've happened for him too, because we're married now...sorry for the fast forward...but the rest of our courtship is for another day's blog, maybe tomorrow.
Since we've been married I've read several books on marriage, being a godly wife, a better homemaker, mother, leader, encourager, uplifter/edifier...you name it I've read it or it's on my shelf waiting to be read. No matter how many books I read or how hard I pray, I will never play my part perfectly...that really does not sit well with a Melancholy (see blog post: Who am I really?).
I just don't understand how something that I longed for, for so long, could be such a struggle to do well, I mean I prayed for GOD to give me a man whose socks and underwear I could pick up after...and now I grumble as I bend over to scoop up those sweaty stinky socks...fortunately GOD spared me the underwear bit. What is wrong with me that I should scorn the one thing that I yearned for, even as a child? Am I really so discontented with life in general that I cannot find happiness or contentment in the answered prayers of my youth? Am I really bi-polar (my daughter's dad used to tell me that all the time...still does)? Or am I like many other women, who just want to be valued and cherished...after all I am a princess...right? I've even made notes on 3x5 cards to pray, not grumble...(don't grumble at the broken faucet...pray for a new one, etc.)
But for now I will read another chapter in Finding the Hero in Your Husband and pray that GOD change me...not him...and work harder at finding the joy in the mundane duties of my role as "wifey pooh". After all it is what I asked for, for 33 years...how silly am I?
BTW...My hubby IS awesome! I do love him, I don't want anything in this to come across the wrong way...I'm the one with the problem...I guess I'm just fickle and wishy washy...and that is what I'm working on...I love him dearly and appreciate all that he does and provides. He IS my Hero.